Is It Just Me? [feat. zombies]

Anyone else dead excited (haha) for the impending zombie apocalypse?

Ok, so it probably isn’t going to happen. And yes, seeing tons of my friends and family eaten alive would be, like, totally sad.

But still…

Just think about it.

The rules of normal life go out the window, along with the vacuous society…

Social media wouldn’t be a thing anymore. I think that would be refreshing.

Sure, I couldn’t share my thoughts with you lovely people like this…

But maybe we could battle hordes of undead together instead and bond over that.

Life would have a lot more meaning.

Self-improvement would have a purpose.

Motivation to get fit, fast.

Teamwork wouldn’t just be for the sake of corporate bonding events and squeezing out profits.

It’d be life or death. Screw synergy.

True, society as we know it would collapse, and we’d have to adapt to simpler, more violent existence…

But there would be upsides, I’m telling you!

That baseball or cricket bat lying unused in the garage would finally get dusted off.

The people who have actually prepped for it, many of whom I imagine might have limited social circles, would become heroes.

Everyone loves an underdog story.

That’s a point though. Zombie dogs would be freaking terrifying.

And imagine if it happened soon enough to coincide with this crazy clown trend!

That’s true horror right there.

Still, there’d be benefits.

Overpopulation is a global problem , and while I’d never suggest solving it with bloodshed, if it’s gonna happen, silver lining, right?

Impending death would convince a lot of people to finally speak up about feelings they’d kept locked away.

I think there would be lots of happy new couples. Hopefully neither of them would get eaten.

We’d all be more grateful for the people we have around us. Especially if they can set traps or use a crossbow.

Admittedly, the progress of the human race would be halted and reversed by tens, if not hundreds of years. We’d lose countless brilliant minds and records and advancements and medicines and ideas and works of art…

Decapitation could be an art form though, right? Done well enough?

We’d lose our obsession with wealth and fame and status.

I have nothing against Lady Gaga, but you wouldn’t have news stories about meat dresses.

Because you wouldn’t have news. Or maybe even dresses. Especially not meat dresses. Unless you were using someone as bait.

The news would be surviving another day.

People would be truly grateful to wake up each morning.


Enough of that.

Sometimes I think this world would have more brains if half of them got eaten.

Rant over, for now. Your thoughts on possible zombocalypse upsides?


Abandoned Shipping Vessel – Feb 2034

It took two weeks to make it back there, but it was worth it. We arrived under cover of darkness, eyes peeled for other signs of life. Scavengers had been but only cracked the most basic locks – several inner rooms remained intact. We set up the equipment quickly: well rehearsed.

Fifteen minutes and four rooms: two of tools, one tinned food, the last ‘valuables’ – no use in this new world. We took all we could carry and never returned. Hunters will soon watch a place like that. Society is beyond recognition, and all we can remember.

This is no life.

[100 words]

Death and Taxes

I’m sat, almost-dozing, at my bland, functional desk in my clean, straight-lined office, when the zombie outbreak starts. God knows how it started at a tax consultancy in Slough, but there you go. There must be something in the water.

Anyway, excitement – my colleagues are being eaten! Admittedly, this brand of excitement comes with a healthy dose of fear and gore, but still, it has been a slow day, so I’m not in a position to turn down excitement.

I did quite like Jo though. It was a shame she chose to wear such a nice dress because the blood splatters really ruin it. She chose to wear heels as well. That was pretty funny. Zombies cannot run in heels. Her ankle made a horrible snapping sound.

I don’t know where the original one went, the madman that burst through the office door, tore that manager guy (Richard?) to shreds and bit Jo. He may’ve jumped through the window trying to eat Sasha. I don’t blame him – Sasha’s gorgeous. I’d run around after her if it was socially acceptable.

Now Kevin’s doing a little dance around his desk with Jo, scurrying one way and the other as she tries to get to him and his precious brains. I consider telling her not to bother. I’m not sure Kevin’s particularly blessed in that department. Funny little man, Kevin. I’ll admit to a thin smile when Jo grabs him and pulls his arm off.


The arm lands on my desk. I stare at it, oozing thick, red blood. What a satisfying thud it made.


I start and look up. Kate, my manager, stands above me. I’m glad she’s still alive.

“End of play today, yeah?” she asks. I look at the arm. It is not an arm. It is a tax mitigation report for a client down the road. I look up at Kate, and back towards Kevin. Jo isn’t eating him. I can’t see either of them.

“Jo?” I stammer.

“She’s been let go,” Kate replies, as she pulls a pistol from her jacket and fires three shots behind me. I turn to see a blood-drenched Jo thud to the floor. “Death and taxes, John. Life’s two certainties – let’s keep it that way.”