Is It Just Me? [feat. zombies]

Anyone else dead excited (haha) for the impending zombie apocalypse?

Ok, so it probably isn’t going to happen. And yes, seeing tons of my friends and family eaten alive would be, like, totally sad.

But still…

Just think about it.

The rules of normal life go out the window, along with the vacuous society…

Social media wouldn’t be a thing anymore. I think that would be refreshing.

Sure, I couldn’t share my thoughts with you lovely people like this…

But maybe we could battle hordes of undead together instead and bond over that.

Life would have a lot more meaning.

Self-improvement would have a purpose.

Motivation to get fit, fast.

Teamwork wouldn’t just be for the sake of corporate bonding events and squeezing out profits.

It’d be life or death. Screw synergy.

True, society as we know it would collapse, and we’d have to adapt to simpler, more violent existence…

But there would be upsides, I’m telling you!

That baseball or cricket bat lying unused in the garage would finally get dusted off.

The people who have actually prepped for it, many of whom I imagine might have limited social circles, would become heroes.

Everyone loves an underdog story.

That’s a point though. Zombie dogs would be freaking terrifying.

And imagine if it happened soon enough to coincide with this crazy clown trend!

That’s true horror right there.

Still, there’d be benefits.

Overpopulation is a global problem , and while I’d never suggest solving it with bloodshed, if it’s gonna happen, silver lining, right?

Impending death would convince a lot of people to finally speak up about feelings they’d kept locked away.

I think there would be lots of happy new couples. Hopefully neither of them would get eaten.

We’d all be more grateful for the people we have around us. Especially if they can set traps or use a crossbow.

Admittedly, the progress of the human race would be halted and reversed by tens, if not hundreds of years. We’d lose countless brilliant minds and records and advancements and medicines and ideas and works of art…

Decapitation could be an art form though, right? Done well enough?

We’d lose our obsession with wealth and fame and status.

I have nothing against Lady Gaga, but you wouldn’t have news stories about meat dresses.

Because you wouldn’t have news. Or maybe even dresses. Especially not meat dresses. Unless you were using someone as bait.

The news would be surviving another day.

People would be truly grateful to wake up each morning.


Enough of that.

Sometimes I think this world would have more brains if half of them got eaten.

Rant over, for now. Your thoughts on possible zombocalypse upsides?


A Spontaneous Rant

[Disclaimer: The following may offend you if you permanently look attractive and stylish. However, if that is you, I don’t really care about offending you. In fact, take all the offence you can handle with your charmed existence. I’m not at all bitter.]

<insert bitterness>

What’s the deal with these people who walk around looking good all the time? How do they have the energy to do that?

The types you pass on the street and think ‘ah damn, I look bad today, or at least I look human…’ because there are these preened gods strutting around. All these guys in turned up jeans and ralph lauren polos and it’s January for goodness sake, aren’t you and your stick-thin model girlfriend cold?

Look at me (your look, silly-attractive man, is no more than a cursory, derisory glance). I’m wearing safety shoes because it looked like rain (if not snow!) and my battered brown work shoes have a hole in the bottom which means my sock would get wet, and the same black trousers I’ve worn to work for the last year (I wash them at weekends, ok?!) and while my shirt (no tie, admittedly) is pretty smart, it’s completely covered by the massive ski jacket I’m wearing because it’s January and it’s more comfortable to be a shapeless lump than to be stylish.

Granted, I can scrub up alright when I make the effort – nice shirt, skinny jeans, contact lenses, a bit of a pout – but that takes time and effort and is generally reserved for nights out, or dinner parties, or dates, and is not something I can maintain every day!

And you strut past, clearly not on a date or a night out as it’s 4pm on a Thursday in an industrial estate SO WHY HAVE YOU BOTHERED, while I trudge along in my safety shoes looking grey and dreary but I have the last laugh because when I finally get into my glamorous transportation (bus) I can snuggle up at a window seat and keep my boring black beanie on because it’s cold (January!!) and read 1984 and damn that book is good.

<end bitterness>

[Note from the author, after he’d calmed down a bit and apparently started speaking in the third person: The conclusions to draw from all this must be that I get grumpy when it’s cold and that having a good book into which to escape can make everything better.]


connectivity kills

People these days send such nothing messages
constantly connected with nothing to say
I hold such disdain for the mundane:


and yet I clutch my phone, feel naked without its comforting weight
in my pocket or by my bed, so I can lie
rest it by my head
and keep updated with the minutiae
of all these friends, so close

yet we’ve barely spoke in person
and we meet again and barely do
because we know everything we’ve each been up to

each instagrammed meal and snapchatted evening
each whatsapp-planned social and facebooked event

’til eventually, and I know I’m right
can see it so clear
we will all sit together, in one room, unspeaking
but conversing through these cold digital media
our every thought

til they are all the same.