Modest Isn’t Hottest When You’re With Me

[Pretty sure this is overwhelmingly unfinished but I’m leaving it as it is—twas very much a “time and place” piece! Definitely imagined as a song in the style of the best angsty teen band out there…]

My fingers trace along your waist

Your sigh says as much as the look on your face

Innocent eyes – the real you

Or just a clever disguise only I see through?

 

Are playing up for me?

Sultry trying to impress me?

Is this you or what you think I want?

I fell before you felt the need for me to need you.

And I can tell you don’t know just what you’re getting into.

Test me til I snap and I won’t snap back.

Break me to your will and I can’t promise I won’t break you.

 

Cast your shadow cast your lot

In with me until we rot.

Show your soul I’ll give you mine

That side of you I can’t define

 

Hello/Goodbye

I didn’t recognise the number, but answered the call nevertheless.

“Hello?”

“Hi, who’s this?”

I paused. “It’s Toby,” I replied slowly. “Who were you expecting when you called my phone?” The sarcasm I was trying for didn’t quite work; the girl’s voice was so friendly that I instead ended up sounding helpful.

“No one in particular. How are you, Toby?”

“I’m fine, thank you…but who is this?”

“My name’s Gemma. Toby, you are the last person I will ever talk to. Goodbye.”

The line went dead.

I rushed to retrieve the number and called straight back.

There was no answer.

No Return

It’s like you’ve gone and flipped a switch

One minute you’re an angel next thing you’re a *****

One second it’s like old times

Than I’m wondering (damn) did I commit crimes

I didn’t come here to fight

Thought after all this time we’d be right

We’ve talked out what went wrong

Held my hands up now I thought we’d get along

Seems you need me to be the enemy

Trying to reinforce every single fault you see

When we get on we’re that team again

When it goes wrong we can barely be friends

Say you don’t know what you’re doing to me

But you also claim you still see right through me

You’ve ruled us out forever

But I still think that we could work together

 

 

Poor Pete [comic strip!]

[This is a blog-first medium! Enjoy. Let me know if there was a better way to put this up than this clunky format. For anyone interested, I believe a friend/cousin drew this, and I later added a story to (arguably) fit.]

Pete the orange was sad, as he lived all alone
Rain clouds would follow him wherever he’d go
His life seemed to be just a miserable mess
This sad state of affairs caused Pete much distress

Then Pete found a rabbit, sat on the ground
This rabbit had udders, strange though it may sound
From these udders came poison, strong as can be
It could kill all the humans in the vicinity.

The US Army, corrupted by greed
Didn’t like much this new technology
So they nuked the whole place, killing Pete, and unfortunately
His dopey, cute, flop-eared poison factory.

fin.

Play That Old LP

Just fall, break down in my arms
break down the walls that guard your heart
and leave you distant
You don’t know how much I’ve missed you
We’ve both changed and I’m insistent
you give me one more chance

Been a while since we split now, when you were thinking we were right this is it now. I guess I caught you off guard because I wouldn’t commit and yeah I guess you fell hard because I treated you shit. I know I don’t deserve another shot at us, still I’m clinging to this hope that I’ve got of us.

[Just found this, undated but it’s within the last five years or so (because I consciously changed how I wrote the letter a around then and because of the subject matter) and seemingly half-finished. Feel free to suggest how it should continue if you want]

You’ll Regret This If You Remember Me

[10 points to Gryffindor if you can tell me what band I’m imitating here]

These tears froze from your cold shoulder
And we’re just getting by, just getting older
I’d give an arm to take you home
But I need my wrists for when I’m alone
And as the night and my thoughts grow darker, we just grow bolder

So I will stay with you like scars on skin
And let them all remind you of a time you let me in
You took my breath and you took my best
Lying through my teeth with your head on my chest
And thinking that for heaven we enjoyed a lot of sin

So life’s a joke – it’s on me
Show me parts of you that they can’t see
Life’s a joke and it gets me down
Drive me somewhere out of town
And we’ll curse at the sky
and we’ll feel so alive

Eating alone as the class files in
Knowing I won’t be your chain again
Sat at the back thinking how I messed up
And it’s Saturday night and I’m all out of luck

The phone lies in silence and I lie to myself
The phone lies in silence and we lie with words
News is you’re mine and haven’t you heard
These dreams keep me high and the lows keep me singing
It’s Saturday night and it’s my phone you’re ringing

Take me driving out of town
And we’ll curse at the sky
and we’ll feel so alive…

 

 

Happy Birthday Blog! [I’m 2!!]

This is 5 days late because WordPress only told me today, but my blog is two years old!

Good times.

A lot can happen in a year…

The first steps into freelancing I mentioned taking in last year’s birthday post have become my full-time job! You can read about quitting my day job here. That was fun! And terrifying!

The flash fiction series whose glacial progress I mentioned last year have gone virtually nowhere! But honestly, I will do more soon –  a friend bugged me about it recently, so there’s more to come, promise.

‘The novel’, from which only a cryptic segment was ever posted here, is currently with the (other) judges of a wonderful literary competition called Ink & Insights. The judges (including me!) provide detailed feedback on the first 10,000 words of novels for budding authors. That’s a lot of words and you get a lot of feedback! Anyone with a novel sat stewing, throw it I&I’s way, it’s a great competition and entries are open now!

Other than that, I’ve just been working pretty much. I’m very lax about when I get up but that does mean I have cool dreams and I’ve started writing about them – check out the dream lessons tag for those.

Oh, and holidaying. I give myself a lot of holidays – Luxembourg, Sweden, Scotland, Italy… life is too short to work all the time, even when you love what you do!

And that’s that. Like last year, I was on holiday for the actual day but today I am working (next mini-holiday’s on Friday!) and I must get back to that. Much love, fair readers!

Happy Birthday Chase

[I have a friend called Edd. During a discussion of what American names would suit us, we inadvertently became an unstoppable boyband duo known as Chase & Lance. It’s his birthday. Here is an early draft of one of our singles. Keep an eye on the charts.

Note: for a sense of how the hell this song actually goes, listen to the first two minutes of Slam by Pendulum. The below lyrics start at 0:22 on this version. (Please note: I don’t condone sniping in such attire)]

 

It’s Chase and Lance

We’re Chase and Lance singing…

our new song, the best yet.

 

New Chase and Lance

Drop a new beat that’s sick…

the ladies, they love us.

 

[static-y breakdown]

 

And tonight, across this small island, we’re gonna celebrate…celebrate…celebrate.

 

We are the bestest boyband on the planet

We sing great songs and the crowds go ballistic!

 

Then…

When we dance…

They all scream

Chase and Lance!

 

We are the best looking band in existence

We just make tune after hit after banger

 

All…

Of the time…

We rock hard

Pose for photo

And we pout.

 

#ChaseAndLance

 

 

 

40 Reasons to watch Deadpool (No Spoilers!)

Ok, so I originally promised 100 reasons, and I promised lots of pieces from Morocco to be the next things I posted. Only problem was that, high on life after watching this film, I became super productive and achieved lots of things that weren’t blogging, and while there undoubtedly are 100 reasons to watch Deadpool, I’ve forgotten a few in the intervening 3 weeks. Still, 40 reasons, which make this one of my longest ever posts! Oh, and as for why this isn’t something from Morocco, it’s because I can’t wait any longer to convince you to watch this. Just do it.

I kinda lied about the spoilers. There are 24 spoiler-free reasons, and then, because I just want to gush about specific things, 16 spoilerful reasons. So you can read the first half of this in safety*, I’ll give you ample warning. I’m assuming things like the cast and the fact that is has a soundtrack aren’t spoilers.  Without further ado…

Spoiler-Free Reasons

1. The opening credits. Makes sense to start there.
2. Ryan Reynolds.
3. Morena Baccarin. I’ll admit to not knowing her but, I’m sure with Firefly, Stargate, Homeland and Gotham amongst her other projects, plenty of you will know how talented she is.
4. The acting. The above two points were solely about how damn attractive they are, but they, and the rest of the cast, can really act.
5. Going back to how attractive Morena and Ryan are, the fact they’re in a sex scene. Before I’m accused of anything for saying that, watch the damn film! It’s superbly done.
6. Decapitation. This is one my housemate suggested, and she’s not a violent person, but there’s almost an artistic quality about the separation of heads from bodies in this film. Think Final Destination meets Kill Bill.
7. The soundtrack. See Spoilerful Reason #12 for specifics, but this film has its montages set to some great tunes.
8. The marketing. Despite not being part of the film itself, this is worthy of inclusion here (hence its lofty position in the list, rather than when we’re scraping the barrel at the end) as watching the film will make you appreciate just why that poster of Deadpool posing is so irreverent and relevant.
9. The irreverence. Deadpool oozes it and shows it to everything from celebrity culture to other Marvel films to the genre, even the fact that it’s a film at all.
10. A kickass old black lady. So much sass.
11. Creative swearing. It’s virtually art.
12. The moments of genuine humanity are remarkably well done for an action film, and provide a few touching seconds before the snap back to comedic reality.
13. The very attractive villain. Dangerously attractive. More on him later, Spoilerful Reason #7
14. Dark comedy. No topic’s off limits. Heart-wrenching tragedy? Gonna get mocked.
15. Montages. From sex to sewing to slaying, the honoured tradition of time-lapse scenes is expertly executed.
16. Making violence funny. Everyone loves a good knuckle with a chuckle. << I just made that phrase up. Get me.
17. [Impromptu reason, this one] This film inspires you to write little rhymes about comedic violence, apparently. Such is its power!
18. Dopinder, a loveable taxi driver, who brings a comic touch of normality to the situation, for a while.
19. The explicit mentioning of the film’s name, and the moment when the name clicks into place. I always enjoy that.
20. Little victories for the little guy. Dopinder features heavily.
21. Unashamed bashing, and alternately following, of stereotypes across the genre and Hollywood as a whole.
22. The back story of the film’s production. For those that don’t know, Ryan Reynolds got involved after the comic dissed him, and after a lengthy wait, a leaked test scene proved so popular with the fans that the film was given a paltry budget to play with.
23. Clever fighting and efficient ammo use. No need to waste them. See Spoilerful Reasons #14 and 15.
24. Ryan Reynolds.I don’t care that I’ve already said him.

 

[SPOILER ALERT!]

 

[SCROLL AT YOUR OWN RISK]

 

[OK YOU ASKED FOR IT]

Spoilerful Reasons

1. A happy ending. Come on, who doesn’t love one!
2. Breaking the fourth wall. A great trait to pull from the comics.
3. Breaking the sixteenth wall??
4. Ryan Reynolds commenting on Ryan Reynolds
5. The hot alpha male getting to know the girl before they have ludicrously good sex. Always nice to take things slow for a bit. Admittedly not that long, but it is Ryan Reynolds after all.
6. Ryan Reynolds. See Spoiler-Free Reason #24.
7. Coming back to Ajax the hot villain, the scene with the sewing up of his katana wound and that bloodsoaked, tight wifebeater. I would penetrate him with my katana…
8. In the general irreverent mood of the film, I will not retract or apologise for my previous statement.
9. The holiday sex scenes, particularly Thanksgiving.
10. Sequel potential (I hope you stayed for the bonus scene!)
11. The bonus scene itself. Comedy gold.
12. The specifics of the soundtrack (from Spoiler-Free Reason #7) being DMX’s “X Gon’ Give It To Ya” when they roll in for the final battle.
13. The bit where we get back to the opening sequence and actually see how it plays out
14. The triple kill shot. So cool, so efficient.
15. Ditching efficiency just to fire another couple of rounds into someone that annoyed you.
16. Ryan Reynolds.

 

Seen it, loved it? Tell me about it!

*60%. Kudos if you thought that.

I Moroccan a Ton of New Ideas [Interactive Post!]

[Excuse the pun. We made a lot on holiday. It was wonderful, thanks for asking! (I’ve actually been back nearly two weeks now, but busy busy!) So relaxing, bar the occasional panic that I wasn’t replying to messages on Upwork quickly enough when I was out in the mountains with no WiFi… The downtime was great though, and one coach journey proved insanely productive: I wrote a dozen pieces during a three hour trip through the Moroccan countryside. As such, a fair few of my posts for the next while will be those pieces, starting now with an interactive one…]

Fill in the blanks. Comment your suggestions below. I’ll post a summary of the best from my readers (I’ll be honest, I expect the volume of comments to be low enough to allow ‘the best’ to be all of the ones I receive, but you can prove me wrong through commenting tons and sharing with all your friends and generally promoting my blog if you really wanted to!) and various other contributors at a later date.

“When a mummy and a daddy
love each other very much
they take off all their ____
and lie down in the ____
and rub ____ over themselves
until they ___.”

You can go for the obvious answers if you want, but you’re creative types, so I’m sure you won’t!